(Introduction)(Dial.1)(Dial.2)(Dial.3)(Dial.4)(Dial.5)(Dial.6)(Dial.7)(Dial.8)(Dial.9)(Dial.10)

(Dial.11)(Dial.12)(Dial.13)(Dial.14)(Dial.15)(Dial.16)(Dial.17)(Dial.18)(Dial.19)DIALOGUE 20

 REPENTANCE 

DIRTY_C: I came back. I changed my mind. I can’t stand living this way. The way of doubt is a terrible one, especially when we are sure about truth. I decided I can’t go on resisting what I know is true. I can’t stop thinking about Judas who burst in the middle. I need to change right now. I can't postpone any longer

CLEAN_C: Welcome, my friend. Welcome back. What happened and what caused you to change your mind? Why are you so transfigured and serious? There is a strange shine in your face. But, we can see it shining already. Have you been touched by God?

DIRTY_C: I realized I was too proud and too fearful. And, if I kept hiding my sins, in what would it help me? Better to be in prison than to live this way in a false liberty. I was determined in my heart you would never hear from me again. Besides, I had promised myself you would never hear a sin of mine, at least not from my mouth. But, as I went to bed the other day, the day I turned my back on you, I simply couldn’t sleep.

CLEAN_C: It is not important that I hear about your sins, but that the Lord is able to forgive you. His forgiveness is forever. The important part is that you break down your pride and trample on it; and that the Lord hears the prayer which pleads for your forgiveness and leads to it. All that counts is whether you are saved from all your sins or not. However, if you build any sort of pride against it - such as refusing to confess in front of people - God will demand that you do just what you have been refusing to do, or do it the way you have been refusing to do. Welcome on board. I am sure Life welcomes you as well. But, tell me what happened.

DIRTY_C: In my anguish and struggle, I was talking to the Lord and saw just how resentful my heart was. I realized I had grudges built up in me, and there I found, also, a grudge against God. That was when I realized I had been angry against the Lord and not merely against you. I realized every word you told me was true. I talked my heart out to Him. I think I have never been so clear in exposing my feelings and heart to Him. I felt I was blaming Him for the kind of life He has delivered me into.

CLEAN_C: So, you have been talking to Jesus? No wonder there is some kind of brightness on your face today.

DIRTY_C: Yes, I have been talking to Him. However, the most beautiful part is that He answered me. I could never imagine Jesus answering my prayers, especially those expressing the bitterness of my heart. Before, I would simply hide it and talk to Him in a hypocritical way. That is how I realized that Jesus wants us to be sincere and expose our hearts fully to Him. That we are bad, He knows already. He doesn’t become aware of it only when we pray. He knows it by far. So, if He knows, why not be sincere and talk it out with Him? The offense has already taken place long before we pray, right?

CLEAN_C: That is right. And what did He tell you?

DIRTY_C: Well, I think it was Him talking. At that moment, I knew it was Him, even if now time has washed some of the conviction away. The fact is that I found some peace only after I had promised Him I would come back to talk to you and confess all my sins to Him in front of you so you could pray for me. Now I know what is the peace you have been talking about. I can smell it.

CLEAN_C: I understand. And what did the Lord tell you?

DIRTY_C: There was a strange repetition of a certain sentence in my mind and heart. It said, “Make your list of sins! Go talk to Job! Him will I hear!” Job 42:7,8. That is the main reason why I came back to you. I know your name is not Job, but I can understand the figure of speech.

CLEAN_C: I am glad that you have come and that God could convince you with a single phrase. I couldn't convinced you with a thousand words. You brought your list then? Let’s lose no more time.

DIRTY_C: Yes, I have brought it with me, even though I think I would not need it. I think of most of my past sins all the time. However, it took me three days to make the list and come to you. That is why I could come only today.

CLEAN_C: No problem. It took three days for Jesus to be resurrected. So, I guess the same happened to you.

DIRTY_C: I brought two lists, actually. I seem to recall that is what you advised me to do. I thought that if I was to follow one advice of yours, I might just follow all. One of the lists has the sins I committed against or with people; the other consist of those sins I believe did not affect anyone besides God and me. These are all sins which I tried to conceal and hide even from people’s suspicions. But, I promised I will not delay confessing it any longer. I will confess them now and I don’t care what the consequences will be. I want to feel forgiven every time I look at a mirror.

CLEAN_C: I see. How do you wish to go about it then?

DIRTY_C: I don’t know. What do you suggest?

CLEAN_C: Well, we could pray that the Lord be with us, first. Then, you can mention your sins and the three of us will be the only ones to know about it. Afterwards, we can talk to the Lord and plead Him to forgive you. How does that sound to you?

DIRTY_C: It sounds good.

CLEAN_C: But, are you promising me all your sins will be mentioned before the Lord? You wouldn’t leave one of them behind would you? If the list is not complete, and if you pretend to hide one single sin, I don’t think it will be worth the effort at all.

DIRTY_C: The list is complete. And if I remember one more sin, I will make sure I will bring it to the light. I also promise I will search and find every person against or with whom I have sinned if it is still in my power to find them. I also promised to God and to myself I will not go away from here until my whole list is read in a loud voice and in detail by me.

CLEAN_C: That is good. Let’s start then.

DIRTY_C: Please, forgive me for being so nervous about it, but, I feel very much ashamed. I have never done this before. I have never confessed sins this way at all.

CLEAN_C: Don’t worry. Only the three of us will know about it.

DIRTY_C: What do you mean the three of us? Are you going to tell someone else about what we will talk here?

CLEAN_C: No, I will never do that. I mean, it is me, you and the Lord.

DIRTY_C: Oh, ok! I am so nervous I was not thinking clearly. I am sorry.

CLEAN_C: And why did you promise to do it this way?

DIRTY_C: I have no other way out. And the Lord showed me to do it this way. Who am I to withstand Him? Please, let’s start before I lose courage.

CLEAN_C: Let’s start then. Can we pray that the Lord be with us as well? He is the one who should be listening.

DIRTY_C: Yes, we can.

CLEAN_C: Let’s pray.

And they bowed down and asked the Lord Jesus to be with them. It was a very short prayer, to the point and very objective. They did not ask or pray for anything else, but for the Lord to be present. However, the presence of the Lord was being felt and the environment was soaked with God’s nearness even before they prayed. It was so real that even CLEAN_C trembled. He also felt the prayer had been answered before they started to pray. It felt as if the air was impregnated with God’s beauty. After they both said “Amen”, they started to talk again and it felt there was a new atmosphere in the air.

CLEAN_C: Let’s start brother.

DIRTY_C: Where do I start?

CLEAN_C: Well, I suppose it would be better and easier for you if you start with the one you feel worst about. The sin which is most difficult for you to confess should be at the top.

DIRTY_C: It makes sense. If I start with that one, it will feel the rest will be less painful to confess.

CLEAN_C: That is right. Please, open your heart and share it as if you were alone with the Lord and as if I do not exist.

After a moment of hesitations DIRTY_C started to talk His heart out and immediately started to feel better and clean.

DIRTY_C: I have killed my father. No one suspects it was me.

There was a sob in the air and DIRTY_C started to cry. For a while, he couldn’t carry on. However, after he calmed down, he started talking again.

CLEAN_C: Carry on brother. Please, do not waste anymore time. Let’s grab forgiveness for you. It must have been hard for you to hide that sin for so long, wasn’t it? How did that happen?

DIRTY_C: I am sorry. This hurts me quite a lot. What do you think should I do about this sin?

CLEAN_C: What do you think is the right thing to do?

DIRTY_C: I don’t know. I think the right thing to do is to turn myself in and confess to the police what I have done.

CLEAN_C: How did it happen?

DIRTY_C: I used to poison my father gradually, putting something in his food every day. He went down gradually. The reason I did that was because he used to beat my mother every day. He also used to beat me and my brothers. He drank a lot and every time he drank, he would beat all of us. He would start with one of us and end with the other because we often tried to hinder him from beating whoever he was beating. He would become angrier because of that. When he died, the doctors said he died from kidney failure. But, only I know I was responsible for it. My only fear was that the police would be suspicious of my mother. The doctors did not suspect of anything. So, I thought I was being blessed by God. Ever since, I feel guilty about it.

CLEAN_C: Does you mother know about any of it?

DIRTY_C: No, she doesn’t. At least, she never told me she suspects about what I have done.

CLEAN_C: If she knew, it would be very important to talk to her about it, though. But, it is important to talk to her before you take any other decision.

DIRTY_C: Can I go and speak to her now? Will you wait till I come back?

CLEAN_C: Yes, I will wait. Go in peace.

One hour later DIRTY_C came back.

DIRTY_C: Thank you that you have waited for me. You are a very patient man. That was one of the things that annoyed me.

CLEAN_C: Should we carry on then? Let’s lose no time. Your life is more important than all the gold of this earth put together. If I did not wait for you, it would be like refusing to wait for a treasure God desires to have for Him. Please, let’s carry on.

DIRTY_C: Ok.

CLEAN_C: What did you talk to your mother about?

DIRTY_C: I called her and my brothers to the living room and said I wished to have a serious talk with them. I asked God to be with us, just as you did here. I felt such peace and such boldness as I didn’t think it possible. My heart was quiet. And there was also a silence in the living room which was deeply felt. It was as if God was with me. Everyone was staring at me and they were uneasy and constrained. They waited for my next words. I told them how I went about poisoning my father and explained that I felt very bad and sad about it. I told them how guilty I was and that I thought of turning myself in, to justice. I said there was no justification for what I did. I told them I was responsible for a crime, even though our father has beaten them. I also said that the kind of heart I had was to be blamed for it; and that I could have prayed to the Lord for His deliverance, but, my heart was too far from God to be able to trust Him and to expect any deliverance; I said I was sorry that I chose to kill him because I couldn’t pray at the time in a way that God would hear me. I asked them to forgive me. My mother was stunned. She said, afterwards, she suspected about it because she found some suspicious stuff in my room. She did not tell me anything about it, though.

CLEAN_C: You have done the right thing. Please, carry on and at the end we shall reach out to the forgiveness of the Lord as well.

DIRTY_C: You think this is solved now?

CLEAN_C: I believe so. However, you must not fail your conscience and heart again. You must do whatever you believe is the right thing to do and, also, which God blesses and approves.

DIRTY_C: I will do so.

There were a few silent moments again. It was clear it was a hard task for DIRTY_C. However, CLEAN_C did not easy it up for him. CLEAN_C remained in silence waiting for the confession to start again.

CLEAN_C: Carry on.

DIRTY_C: This is very difficult to me.

CLEAN_C: Don’t lose time. The more you hesitate, the more you will outstretch the pain of it.

DIRTY_C: Thank you for being patient with me. I’ve always had strange thoughts about sex since I was a little boy. I had and still have many illusions about it; and bad wandering thoughts about sex. I always imagine many naked women. When I was a little boy, I used to peep through the hole of the door of the bathroom. I wanted to see how a naked woman looked like. This is so terrible! I feel so ashamed about it!

There was some more sobbing and DIRTY_C blushed with shame. After a while he carried on.

DIRTY_C: Do you think I need to confess this sin to the women I saw naked? I will die of shame!

CLEAN_C: I don’t think so. However, you should ask the Lord about it. I personally believe there are certain sins we should keep between us and God. But, it seems it is a sin between you and the Lord. However, care to enquire the Lord about it. If God tells you that you must go to them, I am sure you have nothing to fear and God will be with you just as He has been a while ago. Don’t fear.

DIRTY_C: I will try. I will put it before the Lord. The worst part is that I used to masturbate and became addicted to it.

CLEAN_C: Ok. Carry on.

DIRTY_C: I ill-treated my brothers pretty much. Once I was very angry against my brother because he saw me doing what I just confessed to you. I couldn’t forgive him for that. Our relationship has never been the same after that.

CLEAN_C: And masturbation has ceased already? Have you stopped with it?

There was another heavy silence.

DIRTY_C: No, I still can’t stop it. It is still a problem to me. But I need to stop, right?

CLEAN_C: Yes, you need to stop or your confession won’t bring you any forgiveness at all. The Bible says only those who leave their sins as they confess will ever find mercy in the Lord, Prov.28:13.

DIRTY_C: Even after I married, I couldn’t stop it. It is an addiction. I never told my wife about it, though. I must stop.

CLEAN_C: Surely it must. Please, carry on.

DIRTY_C: Is it possible to stop?

CLEAN_C: Of course it is. It is possible and desirable as well. But, if you seem unable to stop it, you should think seriously about cutting your hand off! It would be better to live without your one hand than to end up in hell. “And if your right hand offends you, cut it off and throw it from you. For it is profitable for you that one of your members should perish, and not that your whole body should be thrown into hell”, Mat 5:30.

DIRTY_C: Are you serious? Do I need to cut my hand off if I don’t stop?

CLEAN_C: That is one of the options. The other is to cut off something else. Cut off your hand or the other member you use to sin. The choice is yours. However, if you can stop it, you may keep all your members and use them all for the glory of God.

DIRTY_C: I will stop then. I will surely stop with God’s help. There is no condescending, right?

CLEAN_C: No, there isn’t. Please, carry on.

DIRTY_C: I betrayed my wife in a few occasions. Do I need to tell her about it?

CLEAN_C: I don’t know. The Lord will lead you. I think you must find those women you betrayed her with and confess your sin and tell them it was wrong and now you will live for the Lord.

DIRTY_C: I understand. Is there no possibility to be misled and do the wrong thing concerning this?

CLEAN_C: If you really wish to do what God tells you, I think it is very easy to be led. You only need to be obedient to Him when he shows you something, or next time, He might not lead you at all.

DIRTY_C: I will do it. I am feeling much better already.

CLEAN_C: Good. However, do not be satisfied with the little that happened. Clean all and do not build your hopes and joy upon half peace. I know this is already more than you expected to find, but I assure you, this is much less than the promise of God. Search your soul out to the last sin!

DIRTY_C: I will do so. I have lied many times. I stole from people…

And the two friends stayed there talking and confessing together for a whole while. All the sins in the list were thoroughly dealt with and confessed; and even some other sins have been confessed which DIRTY_C was remembering during their talk and which were not in the list. For the sake of the dialogue we will keep calling DIRTY_C by his old name, even though we could change his name to CLEAN CONSCIENCE by now. God will grant us all a new name. After they finished their conversation and confession, they knelt down and pleaded for the forgiveness of the Lord and that He would blot out those sins forever. DIRTY_C stood up from his knees and he started to experience a joy that he never thought possible. However, we all know it was very little if compared to what still lay ahead of him and if he keeps his course in the Lord’s ways. After hey prayed for forgiveness, CLEAN_C said:

CLEAN_C: Before I go, can I give you some advices about what you should do from now on? I would like to tell you a few things concerning walking with God.

DIRTY_C: Sure! I feel so relieved and so peaceful! I never thought I could feel this way! It was indeed foolish of me to postpone things for so long! Now I understand what you were trying to tell me. It feels as if I have never sinned!

CLEAN_C: I told you that postponing it was foolish. But, let’s carry on. Don’t be amazed by anything that happens inside you or outside, from now on. Whatever you have found now did not come by musing your feelings or by trying to work them up. The joy is there because you have done something important for God, something which you should have done a long time ago. This life will not end, it will go away and you need not to worry. Fear God and try to walk with Him all His ways instead of trying to work on the way you feel like doing.

DIRTY_C: Ok, I will try. What else do you want to tell me?

CLEAN_C: Now, you need to read the word of God faithfully every day. In addition to that, you shall also need to read where and how the Lord Jesus tells you. Choose the best hours of your day for that purpose. I mean, you should find out what time of the day you are at your best. You should not give any other time to God then the best.

DIRTY_C: I think I understand what you mean. I should use the time for reading the word when my mind is at rest or not tired out. Should I read some other books besides the Bible as well?

CLEAN_C: Only those God shows you to read. But, you cannot replace Bible reading and studying for any type of reading. In between, it can be good to read some books, even though I do not advise people to read too many of them, especially in the beginning. However, God knows best. Always put the reading before Him. Remember that what you read gets into your heart, one way or another. Let God choose. You should take some special hours every week to read the Bible. I know each day will be different from the day before, and some days will be better than others. However, close your door behind every trouble and affair and let it be only you and God. Spend as much time as needed, or as God tells you. Have in mind that what counts is the amount of truth that burns into your heart above the amount of time you spend reading it. What remains with you is what the heart holds on to.  

DIRTY_C: I understand. And what time, you think, is the best time for that?

CLEAN_C: I don’t know. You must find out by putting yourself to test. That is another thing you shall need to talk to the Lord about. However, you need to do use that time fully and be faithful to it. Make as if you have an appointment with God. Make an appointment as if it was an appointment with a doctor. Don't the doctors make the appointments? Let God make them for you and be faithful to the time God stipulates to be with Him.

DIRTY_C: How so?

CLEAN_C: If you make an appointment with the dentist or the doctor, will you miss it? Will you skip it?

DIRTY_C: No, I wouldn’t.

CLEAN_C: If someone invites you for something important, will you forget about it or go there some other time?

DIRTY_C: No, I wouldn’t!

CLEAN_C: With the Word of God, you should have the same attitude. You need to make an appointment with God every day as if you have a scheduled meeting with Him, which you may never miss under any circumstances. If your phone rings during that meeting, you should never answer it, unless God tells you to do so. If there is an earthquake while you are reading and being instructed, you should carry on reading. There is nothing big enough to call you away from that meeting and neither should there be a joy big enough to be able to distract you either. Can God count on you to do that?

DIRTY_C: I believe He can.

CLEAN_C: Good.

DIRTY_C: Why, do you think, am I feeling so light and so strange? It feels as if I have just been born. I am a new being. I can’t explain it, but it seems I am in heaven. This sensation won’t end, will it?

CLEAN_C: I suppose it won’t. But, the important part is not to “be in heaven”, but to do things the ways does them and to be with the Lord. However, every step ahead will give you new perceptions. When you have grown, you will sense you have grown; when God hears you, you shall sense you have been heard. That perception is important for our lives. Everything you do must carry that seal of God’s approval and blessing. That sense should work as a reference, but it should not be made an addiction. Every time you are accused or even praised, care to be aware of that reference and of God’s opinion. His opinion is the only one that counts.

DIRTY_C: I think I understand. And how should I pray now? I feel I cannot pray the way I have been doing. It feels so unprofitable and so unfitting. I think I used to pray to impress myself and others, but never to impress God.

CLEAN_C: Whenever you pray, talk to Him the way you are talking to me. Just talk to him and ask the same questions with the same assurance that you will get an answer. I answer you, right? So will God. He will answer you as well, even in a much clearer and more delightful way. You should talk to Him as you would talk to your best friend. Have no secrets and do not let anything untouched, especially those things which dwell in your heart. There are no secrets to God and we should never live as if we needed to keep something back from Him. Also have in mind that if you hear Him, it means He hears you.

DIRTY_C: Now I feel like a brother to you. You never let me think of you as a brother.

CLEAN_C: That was because we were not brothers washed in the same blood. Now we are brothers. I can see you as a friend, as a brother and as a child of the King. However, take hold of Christ with all you have in you. Go, brother, and be in peace with God. May God bless you richly.

DIRTY_C: Thank you for everything you have done for me.

CLEAN_C: Don’t thank for anything yet. Let’s save it for the end and for the Lord. Your way has scarcely started. May you become an eternal being. The best way to be eternal is to live each day as if there is no other day to think of. In fact, there is no other day besides today to live out. Try not to waste your time on tomorrow and neither on the way you shall do things the next day. “Take no thought how or what you shall speak”, Mat.10:19. You should be faithful to today’s work and only to it. Tomorrow will take care of itself. There is not tomorrow for eternal beings – only an endless today. That is the basic principle of eternity. Feel free to come and share with every time you wish to. It has been a joy to share the truth with you. May God bless you.

DIRTY_C: Amen.

And this is how these dialogues between consciences ended. I pray it has been a blessing to you. DIRTY_C has turned himself in to justice and went to jail. The judges had a great difficulty to condemn him since the law does not always provide for people who accuse themselves. He made it hard for the judges. However, he is having a great time in jail and every man there has heard the gospel and most of them have been converted. CLEAN_C often visits his new brother in Christ. DIRTY_C has said that His favourite verses in the Bible are these: “And in this I exercise myself, always to have a blameless conscience toward God and men”; “…because before Him purity was found in me…”, Act.24:16, Dan.6:22. He also said that his time in prison will soon be over because the judges have taken many things into consideration before condemning him. He is not eager to come out until every person in jail is fully converted, he said. He is patiently waiting upon God’s will and God’s timing. He also said any place is good to be when we have peace with God and are found in Him. May God be with you as well. 

José Mateus

(Introdução)(Dial.1)(Dial.2)(Dial.3)(Dial.4)(Dial.5)(Dial.6)(Dial.7)(Dial.8)(Dial.9)(Dial.10)

(Dial.11)(Dial.12)(Dial.13)(Dial.14)(Dial.15)(Dial.16)(Dial.17)(Dial.18)(Dial.19)DIALOG 20